yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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