Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
