i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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