I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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