Umm I'm too high to move.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
