my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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