I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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