I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I need moral support for this bender
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
