Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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