I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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