i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
