I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
