I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
