im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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