Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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