That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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