Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
