I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
