he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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