When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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