I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I would fuck him just for his dog
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