I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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