I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
