You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
