why didn't you poke me back
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
