dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
