Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
