His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
We need to rekindle our bromance
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
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