70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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