Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
