Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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