I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
