Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
