The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
