Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
