3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Randomize
