Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
