There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
