my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
