The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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