So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
