The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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