I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
