Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
