My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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