I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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