your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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