My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
