So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
