Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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